A look at “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”

Part 1: The Policy – Oct. 10, 2003 listen to story

The political and social climate for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered individuals in America has improved over the past decade.

The supreme court recently struck down anti-sodomy laws in Texas… Vermont now allows civil unions between homosexual partners… and openly gay individuals are able to hold elected public office.

But one system very set in the ways of old is the military: don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t harass and don’t pursue when it comes to homosexuals.

Part 2: The Person – Oct. 11, 2003 listen to story

October 11 is National Coming Out Day for Americans who are homosexual, bisexual or transgendered. WCHL’s Adam Geller talks with a UNC student who decided to come out of the closet last year.

He’s told me he tries to keep up with so many activities so he always has an excuse to be out of the house for at least 12 hours out of the day. He has told me in the past that being in his home environment brings him down and makes him feel stagnant… His mom went on to tell him that he’s arrogant. She told him he’s arrogant because he is working to better himself and build a future. He told her that he wants to make something of his life, not sit at home, not go to college, and have 4 people living in a 1 bedroom apartment, while working 3 days a week.

[...]I told him that as long as he’s not getting hit, as long as he can stick this out for a year and a half (this is the middle of his junior year), he will rise above it. I hated to tell him that; I didn’t want it to seem like what happens at home is ok. I made it clear that the way he’s treated at home is absolutely not acceptable and he is not deserving of this kind of treatment.

Notice that she says she “hated to tell him that.” The anecdote wraps up with the following:

I felt like maybe I wasn’t making sense or helping, but then he said, “Just so you know, you are the only person in the world who has my back.” I don’t like that he feels that I’m the only one behind him, but I’m glad he knows that I care.

Before commenting more directly on this last sentence, I want to share a related story. A friend, who is in her fifth year at her original placement school, had a student last year who had made the plan to “get out.” This student had the applications for dental hygienist school filled out, the grades, and the plan. My friend had been the person whom this student relied on for planning and advice. And then she got pregnant. (To the student’s credit, she did officially graduate high school, but things are certainly different with a baby in the picture.)

My friend was recently invited by the girl to the baby shower – being held in a hospital because the girl has been on medically supervised bed rest for some time. In talking about the event before-hand, my friend said she felt almost guilty about going to the baby shower because it was celebrating something that she wasn’t happy about or proud of. After some discussion, I made a remark that she shouldn’t feel bad about wanting to tell the girl that she, in fact, wasn’t happy or proud of her.

In my mind, there’s a difference between wishing good health for a baby and celebrating the baby. And, more importantly, if the former-student asked a teacher to come to the baby shower because she’s the adult she looks up to in life, then my friend almost has a responsibility to be honest with the girl. To say that she still wants all those other things for the girl — an education and a stable job — is not negative. It’s the dose of reality that the student certainly still needs and probably wants.

This may be seemingly perverse, but I think of this similarly as how people pay to go to talk-therapy. Basically, we’re paying to have someone tell us the things we probably know but can’t tell ourselves. This girl inviting my friend to the baby shower is the same thing to me. (Disclaimer: I don’t think anything is wrong with going to a therapist.)

So tying this back to where I started… I think that N said it pretty clearly why he had that conversation. And just in case there’s confusion, it’s not because he thought what he was doing (excelling in school, staying involved, working toward college) was a actually a bad idea.

Whether for good or for bad, when we step into kids’ lives as positive role-models who work to inspire a sense of possibility for a better life through hard work and education, we take on a responsibility to be there for them in a way that goes beyond teacher, coach, and mentor. It’s because N knows that We Are Penn State cares, it’s because the girl knows that my friend cares, it’s because there really isn’t a network of other people who care that we must accept this responsibility to be behind today’s student.

So to We Are Penn State: This is a heavy burden because sometimes it means saying the hard things, but don’t feel bad about it. Instead, embrace that you were able to be that person for someone. Ultimately, people want to be told what they already know so that their beliefs can be externally validated. And think of it this way, if the average person was able to get by without people in the world playing the role you play for N, then the therapists would have been out of business a long time ago.

The inspiration of this post came from a note that I received on Linkedin from Jan Boxill, a colleague at UNC-Chapel Hill. I very purposefully noted Jan as a colleague, as I never had her as a professor in any course. I met her through the very social endeavor of calling plays at field hockey games. Via Linkedin, true to its purpose, Jan was updated that my work situation had changed. Just for the record, this information was also posted to my Facebook account, and it generated responses from several individuals. The difference is that Jan and I might not have communicated formally for at least three years. Additionally, the power of the targeted social network was able to deliver this relevant information to an interested colleague in a filtered context (very unlike Facebook which is aiming to be an information faucet).

In the public school setting, nearly all social media (including Google Docs) was blocked from our use or to use with students. Compare that restrictive environment to my new situation which offers me the freedom to use nearly any tool I desire. In fact, I found out about the various first-week tasks I needed to complete (from an orientation perspective) on a Google Site. For someone that is so technology-literate, I think I’m only just beginning to have an authentic awareness for how social media can be used to conduct business — social busimedia if you will — and how powerful it can be to make connections and get real work accomplished. These are the words of someone who finally Twitters not because I didn’t know (member since 2007), but because I finally can.